i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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