I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
there's paper in my vomit.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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