Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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