she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
