it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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