I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
