He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My ATM looks so different sober.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
