someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Is it because I queefed?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
