y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
