hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
