Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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