i already hear my dad disowning me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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