we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
