Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
