she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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