Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So many bounce houses so little time
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
