I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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