Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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