Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
