i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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