I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
