I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize