tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
