I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
