im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize