I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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