I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize