you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
