Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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