Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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