Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
