Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
my vag is so smooth its legendary
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
