If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
