I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
