im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
