I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
