I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
