his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
