Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
