I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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