the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
