My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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