i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
