i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
