I can tuck mytits in my pants
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
