I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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