I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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