sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
