there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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