Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
