overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
