I will die if light touches me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
