The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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