You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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