Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
