He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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