Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
